Tuesday September 02, 2014




God help us all

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By the time you read this, the results from so-called “Super Tuesday” of the U.S. Republican Primaries should be mostly in. Despite the bluster of pundits, analysts and talking heads, and despite what the popular vote might say, Tuesday’s results should all but give Mitt Romney the nomination. Every analyst this side of Mexico has been fawningly covering Rick Santorum, but the fact is Santorum’s campaign is pitifully underfunded and understaffed compared to Romney’s, and has to do a lot better than just tying him.

But it hasn’t just been Romney’s well-oiled campaign that’s been destroying Santorum, it’s been Santorum himself. The “genuine” conservative (a word, which, as far as I can tell, has lost all meaning in this election cycle) can’t seem to open his mouth without sticking his foot in. Asked about a JFK speech about the separation of church and state, he replied with the wit and erudition of a character in a Babysitter’s Club book, explaining it made him want to throw up.

He has explained, with similar eloquence, that all contraception is “a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.” One might wonder how, exactly, he thinks “things are supposed to be,” but this, too, he has explained. In his book, he argued that “radical feminists succeeded in undermining the traditional family and convincing women professional accomplishments are the key to happiness.”

So there we have it. A political war between someone who would like to be the U.S. version of Iran’s Supreme Leader and a robot with a nice hairdo whose “regular guy” circuits occasionally misfire (sample headling: Mitt Romney Repeatedly References the Height of Trees in Michigan). God help us all.

— Alex McPhail, Staff Reporter


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