In the best movie ever made, Empire Strikes Back, Darth Vader has just frozen Han Solo in carbonite. He then tells Lando Calrissian, Han’s friend, “Calrissian, take the princess and the Wookie to my ship.”
Lando says, “You said they’d be left in the city under my supervision.”
Vader replies, threateningly, “I am altering the deal. Pray I don’t alter it any further.”
And that, in a nutshell, sums up what dealing with Donald Trump on trade is like. Except it’s actually a little closer to the parody version Robot Chicken did of this scene. You can find it on You Tube.
In that version, Vader makes his threat, and once the door closes behind him, Lando mutters to himself, “This deal is getting worse all the time.”
Vader comes back and insists, “Furthermore, I wish you to wear this dress and bonnet.” Lando protests and again Vader tells him again, “I have altered the deal. Pray I don’t alter it any further.”
Lander mutters to himself again, and once again, Vader pops out of the door and hands Lando a unicycle. “Here is a unicycle. You will ride it wherever you go,” Vader menaces. Lando, upset, throws it on the ground and says he won’t ride it.
Again, Vader says, “I have altered the deal. Pray I don’t alter it any further.” And again, with the door closed, Lando mutters to himself, “This deal is getting worse all the time!”
Vado, again, opens the door and says, “Also, you are to wear these clown shoes, and refer to yourself as, ‘Mary.’”
“Oh, F-you, man, I’m not doing it!” Lando yells.
“I have altered the deal. Pray I don’t alter it any further,” Vader says again, while Boba Fett and some Stormtroopers split a gut in the background.
Lando says, with a long pause, “This deal is very fair and I’m happy to be a part of it.”
Vader does not return as Lando looks furtively left and right. He then picks up his dress, clown shoes and unicycle.
That, my friends, is a much more accurate reflection of what dealing with U.S. President Donald Trump on trade is like.
My Dipper friend says, “He’s done an amazing thing in helping unite Canada,” and he would be right.
It is really, really hard for me to say much nice about our current prime minister, other than he has nice hair. But he has been standing up to Trump in a way few would have expected, least of all Trump.
And that’s why Trump went into a tirade after he left the summit when Prime Minister Justin Trudeau held a news conference essentially saying, “We’re not gonna take it.”
“Based on Justin’s false statements at his news conference, and the fact that Canada is charging massive tariffs to our U.S. farmers, workers and companies, I have instructed our U.S. Reps not to endorse the communique as we look at tariffs on automobiles flooding the U.S. market!” Trump tweeted on Air Force One on his way to Singapore, where he was to meet Kim Jong Un.
In other words, “I am altering the deal (communique). Pray I don’t alter it any further.”
And in handing Trudeau a dress, unicycle and clown shoes, he tweeted, “PM Justin Trudeau of Canada acted so meek and mild during our @G7 meetings only to give a news conference after I left saying that, ‘US Tariffs were kind of insulting’ and he ‘will not be pushed around.’ Very dishonest & weak. Our Tariffs are in response to his of 270% on dairy!”
We saw the same thing just a few days before. Canada seemed to think it was close to a deal on NAFTA. Then Vice-President Mike Pence phoned up and said, that they wanted a five-year sunset clause. Again, “I am altering the deal. Pray I don’t alter it any further.”
How do you negotiate with these people? You could see it on the face of German Chancellor Angela Merkel, in the photo her government released of her, and most of the G7, staring Trump down. They’re fed up, and they’re not going to take it anymore.
However, we all know what position we’re really in. We’re not going to be able to go toe-to-toe with Darth Vader or Trump, any more than Lando Calrissian could. In the end, all we’re going to end up doing is picking up the dress, unicycle and clown shoes, and calling ourselves, “Mary.”
— Brian Zinchuk is editor of Pipeline News. He can be reached at brian.zinchuk@sasktel.net.
