I have walked at the side of too many people who have faced great loss in their lives this past while. I walked into this role with precious little first-hand experience. It is unfortunate to say I have learned what I have to write, at the expense of people who mean the world to me.
I didn't know what to say or what to do. I sat back and thought the person who was facing the greatest challenge life had given them so far had so much support that I wasn't needed. Rule No. 1 - never assume anything.
I have learned that sometimes you may be the only person who shows up. Or perhaps you, as your own unique individual self, have something to offer that makes it easier in some capacity. Rule No. 2 - just show up. You will never know what a difference your presence makes.
Just listen. I led with my heart and it seemed to take me places the other person needed to go. Sometimes I felt I was no help at all but I was assured the diversion of a fresh, new conversation about life outside the hospital doors was just what the doctor ordered. Rule No. 3 - follow the path the conversation takes.
I am not a hugger. But there are times when the physical touch of another human being says more than a thousand words. I will never forget the time my brother simply touched my hand at a time when my world was caving in around me. There are times when I have touched someone's shoulder or hand in a similar manner. Rule No. 4 - reach out in whatever language you speak. You will never know the difference you have made by simply reaching out and touching someone.
Rule No. 5 - Be grateful for the people in your life who tell you exactly what they need. I have friends who are polar opposites from each other, yet what I learn from one friend helps me hear what another friend is not telling me. There is great comfort to be told what to do at a time when you have no idea. Yet there comes a time when even the friend who knows how to ask for what they need, will not ask. Fall back on Rule No. 2 - just show up.
Mourning knows no end. Don't forget that fact. You never get over losing a loved one. You simply come to accept it. Triggers are everywhere and you don't see them coming. Rule No. 6 - keep showing up.
I am learning at the expense of others. Every person who has faced a great loss is teaching me what I need to know to walk through dark moments with another.
The friend who was not afraid to ask for help has opened my eyes to the simple things that matter. And as specific as she may have been in her needs ("A large, strawberry milkshake from Dairy Queen" for example), I have also learned "just showing up" is what she needed most of all.
The friend who asks for absolutely nothing has taught me that simply "showing up" is often the best gift of all. She has helped me trust my intuition and feel confident in opening myself up to whatever may help her get through a moment.
My heart aches for those who have faced a devastating loss. They are going through the paces of their unexpected new life. They may be saying the same words. But the twinkle in their eye has lost its luster. They miss their loved one and the input they had, which put life's little lessons into perspective.
One, without the other is like peanut butter without chocolate. It can and does work on its own, but the combination of the two? They were made for each other. I feel it in the twinkle in their eyes and chuckle that is now missing from their little anecdotes.
The world is not the same without them. Yet the world is a far better place because they were in it. I am grateful for every little memory I have to hold onto.
I am but one person in the vastness of family and friends these people have. From the outside, looking in it would seem they have all the support they need. But from what I have learned, I will simply just keep showing up. Maybe it is nothing in the whole scheme of things but what if it is like the time when my brother simply touched my hand. What if it is a small thing that makes a big difference?
I will simply keep showing up.
