I am in my usual state of panic over what is going on in other parts of the world these days.
But my main concern isn't ISIS, or Ukraine, or the Ebola virus or any of that. Instead it's about Scotland.
You know, the place where guys wear kilts and people eat haggis, and play bagpipes and do highland dancing, and play a lot of golf, and there's a monster that lives in Loch Ness up there, and the residents speak in a manner that mimics Craig Ferguson.
Scotland is not the type of place known to invade other countries and cause problems. The Scots are great world citizens. If you don't love the Scots, it means only one thing: you're a bad person. It's like saying you hate Swedish people or Norwegians, or even the Dutch. What have they ever done to you?
Well, all good things come to an end, because the Scots are creating no end of worries for people this week.
This week, Scotland is holding a referendum on whether to break away from the three-centuries-old United Kingdom and go it alone as an independent country. The vote is Sept. 18.
I notice the British papers have been obsessing over the poll numbers and the real possibility the yes side could pull off a victory.
But I can tell you what will happen if the yes side wins: all heck will break loose. The pound will drop, the stock market will fall, Prime Minister David Cameron will likely resign, opposition leader Ed Miliband will likely resign, and an endless number of Scottish businesses and institutions will be calling for the moving vans.
Given the shaky financial situation in Europe, we'll probably see the world economy plunge into the North Sea. Thanks a lot, Scotland.
This is exactly what the world does not need right now. The world already has enough problems, yet here the Scots are, in a position to do what countless French and German armies and navies have failed to accomplish: destroy the United Kingdom.
In the past week, Westminster politicians have been descending on Scotland trying to save the union. Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond described them as "desperate." Of course they are! Wouldn't you be?
I'm actually quite confused about it all. I feel Scotland has no compelling reason to leave the United Kingdom. There have been other breakups of other countries in recent years, particularly in Eastern Europe, but that was different. Many were leaving the Soviet Union, the "Evil Empire" that deprived people of their liberty. In Ukraine's case, they were absolutely ravaged by Stalin and the Holodomor years earlier. No wonder they wanted independence.
But the Scots' grievances seem trivial in comparison, such as wanting more control of their home affairs, and over their oil and the health services. Most of these can probably be solved through more devolution and home rule.
Emotion, though, is a powerful thing. The fact is the Scots regard themselves as a country, as a nation. The thought of going it alone is a tempting one.
Salmond's campaign has been reassuring to the hilt, saying they would pursue a currency union with the remaining UK to keep the pound.
That's my problem with the yes side. They make it sound like leaving the UK will be easy. But there's no way Westminster will agree to what Salmond is asking for. They'll refuse a currency union, they'll refuse to be reasonable in any negotiations. Westminster politicians will be doing their best Jean Chretien imitations in no time flat.
Unfortunately, they should have done a better job imitating Chretien during the campaign. The no side waited until the last possible moment to put up the fight they should have being doing all along.
The Scottish "no" campaign has been way too polite for its own good. They have been acting, well, like British people: polite, proper, respectful of their opponents. Look at their campaign slogan. It's a polite "No Thanks."
What the "No Thanks" people should have done is quit acting so British and act more like Americans. They should've spent the campaign freaking out about independence, and taken a page from Vietnam war protesters and said "Hell No, We Won't Go!"
They'll surely wish they'd done that if they lose. A yes win is going to be a royal headache.
It's also a headache for me.
I have a personal stake in this referendum. I am a dual citizen of Canada and the United Kingdom and hold a British passport, and the latter is all because of Scottish heritage.
I can trace all my ancestry back to Scotland. All my grandparents were Scottish, most of my relatives still live there, and the lineage goes back hundreds of years.
If the Scots back in the old country vote yes, my British citizenship is up in the air. The yes side have made fancy promises about how non-resident British citizens can apply and obtain Scottish citizenship after they go independent, and they make it sound like it will be no problem at all.
I can tell you right now, this is going to be a load of bureaucracy. I'll have to fill applications and go through red tape just to prove to Scottish government bureaucrats that I ought to be a citizen.
Then there is another question: what happens to my British citizenship?
Think how nonsensical this is! If a yes vote goes through, I face the hassle of going on bended knee to the Scottish government to prove my citizenship claims. Meanwhile, I'll still be a citizen in the whole rest of Britain that isn't my ancestral home, and which the Scots will want nothing to do with. I'll be a citizen without a country!
I need a drink. This independence talk makes me want to order the stiffest Irn-Bru I can find.
